🚼
The aim of this report is to dispel mere rumors and offer the American people, once and for all, the truth about the reproductive exercises of Donald J. Trump, 45th president of the United States.
Many legends and canards about Mr. Trump’s patronage have swirled around the exact number of sons Mr. Trump has begotten in his lifetime.
This is complicated by Mr. Trump’s apparently prolific reproductive schedule.
Said one source close to Mr. Trump, “The former president has sought to sire, across the last few decades, at a minimum, one son per week.”
Given the known sons of Mr. Trump extant as of this writing, his attempts to sire once weekly have drawn the short straw.
But sources close to Mr. Trump say that his post-presidential reproductive schedule has been more rigorous than previously.
Said one, “As Mr. Trump ages, he seems to sense that the time is short, and the time is nigh to reproduce as sedulously and copiously as possible. It’s also great stress relief with the way things have been going.”
“He’s prolific, all right,” said another source. “He’s been doing this so long that he’s got it down to a science. Let’s put it this way: he never misses.”
But does Mr. Trump miss? Three women, who have chosen to remain anonymous, have come forward to state that they were slated to be impregnated by Mr. Trump, but his seed never took.
“I was looking forward to being a Trump son mama,” said one. “I guess the sperm drowned.”
A bevy of women apply every year to be mothers to Mr. Trump’s offpsring.
And it’s a lucrative gig.
For Mr. Trump always foots the bill, and enters into a legal arrangement with each to pay all living expenses for the children until they are 18, after which the mother is allowed an opportunity to work, for a nominal though slightly higher than average wage, for the Trump organization as a housekeeper, either at Trump Tower or Mar-a-Lago.
The catch? Any woman who gives birth to a girl must reimburse Mr. Trump for all travel expenses incurred during copulation, and will receive only half of the payment that the women who give birth to sons are paid each month. 💰
In any case, Mr. Trump has a long history of siring sons: to date, he has sired only two daughters.
Said a source close to Mr. Trump, “He’s had two daughters, and he told me after Tiffany was born, that that was enough, and that he had commanded his sperm only to produce sons. This plan has succeeded and will continue to do so, because that’s the kind of man Mr. Trump is.”
These are the sons of Donald J. Trump
Donald John Trump begat:
- Donald John Trump Jr.,
- Loto Alexander Trump,
- Donald Jay Trump,
- Dee Jay Trump,
- Sebastian Trump,
- Eric Frederick Trump,
- Donald John Trump IV (the third having been dismissed as a title too cliche)
- Trump Trump Trump,
- Donald John Trump V, VI, VII,
- Trump Donald Trump,
- Donald Donald Trump,
- Donald Trump,
- Dean Senator Trump,
- Dee Trump (referred to by his brothers as 3-D, to distinguish him from D Trump),
- J Trump (J’s entire first name is ‘J’, and he is without a middle name),
- D Trump,
- Barron William Trump,
- Donald Trump Trump,
- Donald J Trump VIII (the middle initial only has been given and is short for nothing),
- Donald J Trump IX,
- Donald J Trump XIV,
- Luscious Donald Trump,
- Trumpet E Trump (‘E’ is Trumpet’s middle name),
- Governor General Trump,
- Lt. Governor General Trump,
- General Donald Trump,
- Colonel Donald Trump,
- Major Donald Trump,
- Captain Donald Trump,
- Donald John Trump XX,
- Lorde High Trump,
- Mayor Emeritas Trump (who once, by accident (it is said), stabbed his brother Trump Trump with a pair of garden shears),
- American Republic Trump,
- Jay Donald Trump,
- Hunter Extraordinaire Trump,
- Donaldus Trumpus Trump,
- Trumpus Trumpite Trump,
- Berzerker Octavio Trump,
- Republican Majority Trump,
- August Caesar Trump,
- Mogul Trump,
- Royal Overture Trump,
- Art Deal Trump,
- Chuck Norris Trump (about whom his father once said, ‘He’s a kick’),
- Bubba Longswift Trump,
- Cocktail Shrimp Trump,
- Peach Blow Fizz Trump,
- Traipse Accolade Trump,
- Justin Bieber (Trump) (NOTE: Regarding this claim there has been much controversy. The facts are as follows: Justin Bieber was sired by Donald John Trump Sr. Following Justin’s birth he was offered for adoption in a secret arrangement with a Canadian couple, the Biebers. Mr. Bieber’s early career was funded by Donald J. Trump; Mr. Trump receives a three percent commission on all of Mr. Bieber’s earnings, which is placed into a trust fund for Bieber’s younger Trump brother, Hedge Fund Trump),
- Hedge Fund Trump,
- Maximus Income Trump,
- Platinum Patronage Trump,
- Trump Won Trump,
- donaldus maximus trump (all lowercase),
- donaldus minimus trump (all lowercase),
- Donaldus Major Trump,
- Donaldus Minor Trump,
- Ping Long Trump (who was sired at the Happy Hands Massage Parlor in Mr. Trump’s Exclusive “Little China” neighborhood, located near Mar a Lago),
- Encomium Golden Trump,
- Primus Conquest Trump (whom his brother Bubba Longswift refers to as PriC),
- Earl Duke Trump,
- Prince Apex Trump,
- America Great Trump,
- Jay Jay Trump,
- Commodious Aggrandizement Trump (known by his brothers as CAT),
- Rush Limbaugh Trump,
- Guber Natorial Trump,
- Special Counsel Trump,
- and Electoral College Trump.
These are the sons of Donald J. Trump, 69 sons in all, sired by the president.