SEATTLE, WASHINGTON—When Bill Gates decided to add the Epstein island theme to the Microsoft To Do app, the wildly popular productivity checklist that is a staple of the Microsoft family, he was wearing a silk red robe that sported “Micro Bill” in bright monogrammed yellow stitching on the left breast. A gift from Jeffrey Epstein as a souvenir to commemorate his first visit to Epstein’s island, Gates has not washed the robe since he first got it eleven years ago.
An anonymous source from inside Microsoft, communicating in Klingon via Microsoft Teams, said that “Gates knows every stain on the robe, and has been known to inhale its aroma from time to time to revisit those days of yore when the world was fresh and alive with nubile flesh afloat in a private sea.”
The source also says that Gates was on the phone with somebody at Microsoft two days ago, giving them the go ahead to activate the Epstein Island Reminisce theme on To Do.
The catch? It isn’t a standard addition. For just $49.99, those in the known can activate this theme. So far, about a thousand brave users have.
While Gates has remained taciturn about the new theme, after being pressured by various news outlets, he Ctrl-Opened the database just enough to give a glimpse of what appeared to be a pearl of insight:
“Eppy—I mean, the criminal Jeffrey Epstein, duly convicted, who also committed suicide, and rightly so, let me point that out, for his hideous crimes—I called [the To Do theme] ‘Reminiscence’ because I wanted people to reminisce about the right and wrong they have known from past lives, a la Plato, and see how that comports with the present imbroglio. I never knew J.J.—Jeff—Jeffrey—Mr. Epstein. I met him but wasn’t impressed with his affair services because it had a built in blackmail feature, which I thought had too many bugs in it amd what really irritated me about it was that their was no right-click function.”
What emerged after this cryptic statement was a flurry of speculation about what Gates knew about Epstein island, and when. And was this a confession, or just feckless aging code monkey talk from a man whose glory days might long be past?
Within an hour of the Gates-theme statement, several internally and externally conflicting interpretations were made. Among these was a comment from an unlikely source: the Italian mafia.
A convoluted story becomes ever more anfractuous. Potholes abound. Was the Italian mafia, the original Sicilian Heavy, involved in the machinations at Epstein island?
Ralph Bocaccio, Evangelist of the Italian Mafia’s Public Relations and Human Resources Department, in Sicily, Italy, says that there is a record, and he wants to make it clear.
“Americans want to be millionaires,” he says, “and hate with jealousy everybody who becomes one. Signiori Gates is a good man, but Americans hate him because he is rich. You know, we know something about reputations. We’ve gotten a terrible one lately, no thanks to Letizia Battaglia’s totally fictive mockumentary ‘Shooting The Mafia’. We aren’t involved in crime, never have been. We are connoisseurs of art and information and also ad hoc bankers, just like the Medici family, God rest them.
I haven’t fully vetted the travel logs of Mr. Gates to Epstein island. We are not in a position at this time to confirm the presence of Mr. Gates in that part of the world, either now or in the past. We have always been a charitable organization, something like your Shriners in America. We are in consultation with our American branches, hoping for some clarification. But if you want to know the truth, we have spent a lot more time studying the renaissance in our country and trying to emulate the great Italian painters with our own works, such as, “Night on Epstein Island,” and, “Several Famous Americans Wash Ashore On Epstein Island.” Two prominent Italian psychotherapists have said that these paintings are “desperate cries for help, a manifestation of a desire to reveal what is known, to set the record straight.” We have no comment about this comment at this time, other than to say that we are sad to hear that these two prominent medical persons have apparently gone missing under mysterious circumstances.”
Bill Gates on Epstein island and in bed, not only with children, but the Italian mob? One can imagine the public outcry that might accompany such a revelation.
While this might be nothing more than a theory, Gate’s recent donative acts might raise some eyebrows. Consider that he has offloaded billions of his own money, apparently lightening his fiscal load—but why?
Two sources close to Gates, who go by the pseudonyms Poke and Stroke, respectively, have suggested, though never directly stated, that he could have participated in several dubious fracases at Epstein island.
The story as Stroke tells it goes that Mr. Gates was drunk on Tito’s Vodka and wearing nothing more than a hula skirt and chasing minor ‘Island Boys’ around the beach, shouting, ‘Let me put my floppy disk in your hard drive!” and “Time for a download!” and “Control open those legs!” before bedding them back at Pleasure mansion, the insider term used for Epstein’s Sprawling and now defunct island home.
Gates is also rumored to have forced the minors he acquired to watch him breathe vodka-fueled fire before he took them to the mansion.
The Italian Mob suggests, though refuses to state as fact, that the apparent philanthropic acts of Mr. Gates might or might not indicate an anticipation of the revelation of his Dionysian participation on the island. Maybe the tech mogul is seeking to endear himself to the public by donating billions of dollars as a kind of misdirection.
“It is,” said Boccacio, “the classic ‘watch me give money away so you turn a blind eye to what’s going on in my bed’ technique that many of our great Imperial Roman forebears used to distract the public and keep the Pax Romana alive. But believe me, once we find something out, you’ll be the first to know.”
The FBI Is Involved
“Investigation has its merits,” said J. Edgar Hoover, “so does keeping close tabs on everybody.”
The FBI might also be slinging the bed sheets around the slim neck of Gates. A recently leaked FBI in-house memorandum from a source known only as “Deep Anus” speculates that Gates is planning to go on the lam just as soon as his deeds are revealed.
“[Gates] appears poised to flee the country,” said the memo, “and perhaps the Earth, should the Epstein Island visitor log be revealed to the general public. It is suggested that an invisible and perpetual net of surveillance be constructed at a clandestine distance from Gates in order to observe and track his movements should he attempt to go underground. Several agents have observed Gates visiting a remote site in the Arizona desert, which appears to be the launch site of a rocket. Children carrying tools and supplies have also been observed.”
Bill’s Ex-Wife Weighs In
Gates’s former wife, Melinda, says she knew “from day one that Bill was a pervert-nerd, but with that kind of money—let’s be honest, okay? I’m not exactly the poster child for American sex appeal. To the next generation of young women, take what you can get, when you can get it, even if he’s a pervert, as long as he’s rich, because men only want two things, the front door and the back door. Marrying perverts then divorcing them and becoming rich will serve you well.”
Rumors continue swirl like semen once did in some now-disused Epstein island toilet. Those rumors aren’t likely to die down, especially with Trump in office, and probably won’t until the situatio, like the children on Epstein island used to be, is bedded down. The to do app theme is just another leaf in a tale that grows daily.