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Senate Speech, Catherine Cortez-Masto, Feb. 10, 2022

Cortez-Masto Picture Face Senate Speech

Senate Speech
February 10, 2022
Catherine Cortez-Masto (D)
Senator, Nevada

I RISE to take a moment, to speak with as much candor or bombast as I am able to enunciate or muster at this time. As you know I have never been a public speaker, though I am a speaker preferring to speak in what you would call private moments, which would not be considered public in a technical sense of publicness. But as this is a public position, I suppose I must also be, and let me put this in air quotes, a public speaker.

I am speaking today on behalf of two items.

The first is a bill that I have not been told about at this time, and am not even sure it exists—though I am assured by my office staff that it is not only good for Nevadans, but also good for whatever portions or elements of the United States might be useful to offset the cost of continued expenses as they occur regarding whatever might or might not be in the bill, either at its passage or following its passage when various lines might be omitted, redacted, or inserted. It is also essential that this bill pass, no matter how it is passed, or under what conditions that passage transpires. We will all convene in Senator Booker’s chambers this evening at eleven o’clock to discuss further details.

But allow me to speak on a second topic, to speak with a full and thankful heart on behalf of this statement that so beautifully and capriciously obviates our own decimation of independence.

We the people, it might read…. But it does not. Allow me to put on my glasses.

Thank you.

You will find this statement emblazoned in shimmering pixels upon the home page of our very own democratic senate caucus. Let us bow our heads as we listen to these stirring words.

We strive for fairness, justice, and equality for all by standing up for all middle class Americans and those struggling to get there.

Senator Schumer induced me to speak on this topic while demonstrating the power of a pneumatic drill; and, as he said, I should explicate this statement for all in order to make a statement that will state, once and for all, what we believe that this statement does in fact state, or could state with further statements, such as the ones I am making now.

Mr. Schumer, as many of my colleagues are aware, prefers not to be in what he has coined “the splash zone” of political truth-telling. Such splash zone loitering can result in certain unscrupulous news agencies posing difficult-or-awkward-to-answer questions, in an effort to tarnish our sterling reputations and to diminish our influence.

My statements, however, will come in the form of POINTS, which will be numbered for your convenience. Please fill in the blanks on your handout as I go along.

One. You may now open your eyes and raise your heads, if you have not already done so.

Two. You will notice that our statement deals with two classes of people. Those who are in the middle class, and those struggling to get to the middle class.

Three. Allow me to define what we mean by middle class. When we say middle class what we mean is anyone who makes between $32,000 a year and $42,000 a year. Everything below $32,000 a year income would be lower class. These are our official unofficial in-Senate numbers, by which we determine who is middle, and who lower, class.

Four. This means that we want to stand up for anybody who makes less than $42,000 per annum gross income.

Five. Please note that this is one’s gross income. And after ideal taxation situations, the middle class will be making approximately twenty thousand dollars a year, and as Ebenezer Scrooge once so kindly said, “and not a penny more.”

Six. This means that our goal is that all Americans in the middle class will make, post-taxation, twenty thousand dollars a year, and that all in the lower class will make twenty thousand dollars a year.

Seven. This means that by adjusting taxation to accommodate the lower classes, we can raise their standard of living by lowering the standard of living of the middle classes to attain “fairness, justice, and equality for all.”

Eight. You will notice that our statement does not make any statement about those who are considered neither “middle class” nor “those struggling to get there.” We find it difficult to speak openly or candidly on this topic due to the possibility that someone might take us out of context, or that someone might latch on to the larger plan by which we hope to operate, similar to the way a puma might operate in the dead of night, with soft paws, lithe body, and limber joints so as to avoid detection by the prey until the fangs have already sunk deeply into the neck or other convenient body part of the prey.

Nine. We wish to arbitrarily deal with those who exceed the middle class ideal. Let us face it: America’s States United are replete, and I don’t use that word lightly, with middle-classers. It’s built on them and on their backs. So anybody who is upper class, or rich, is in some ways what we can call “non-American-even-if-American.” This class has traditionally been called the rich. By rich we mean those private citizens who have gained their wealth through the employment of capitalistic principles. We do not include in this category of rich any member of the current democratic senatorial caucus, as all such are servants of the citizens of the united states and therefore are beyond the pale of classifications such as rich, middle class, poor, etc.

Ten. Therefore we are in a position to examine those who could be considered rich. This is just the kind of thing the American people or subjects have sent us up here to Washington to do. The only way for fairness to reign in American society, and for our dream of fairness, justice, and equality to come to the middle class and all those striving to get there, is to immediately and arbitrarily and irrevocably confiscate all wealth from the rich, to redistribute that, according to the dictates and laws duly passed by this august senate, for the greater good. That is, the senate should and must be in charge of the totality of wealth beyond the maximum allotment for the middle class.

Eleven. This restructuring for fairness, justice, and equality, will end the struggle of those trying to get to the middle class. It will give them a hand up, not a hand out, allowing them to arrive all at once. The middle class ideal is the ideal. The rich have forgotten this. The poor have never tasted it. The middle class takes it for granted; their senses have been dulled by the comfort and ease of their lives. Therefore we need to squeeze everybody into this nebulous limbo-like ground of the middle class.

Twelve. As with all laws, certain exceptions to wealth redistribution will apply. Take, for example, certain prominent rich persons in our nation who are sympathetic to the democratic ideals. These will be taxed at a heavy rate, but because of their grandiose income, they will still have plenty of money to maintain their prominent and comfortable lifestyles.

Thirteen. Due to the stress, challenge, and difficulty incumbent upon all democratic caucus members in taking upon themselves the burden of wealth management, no taxes will be assessed to such members, and no cap upon their own wealth will be levied. This is so that they might be free from the cares and burdens of money, and will be enabled to live leisurely, so as to allow their minds and bodies to roam and wander freely along every highway and byway, which, as is known to myself, Senator Schumer, and the state of Nevada, will produce the best ideas, and in the greatest quantity.

Fourteen. Whence the meaning of fairness? Is it not that, that there is no greater or lesser, that there is no rich or poor, that all are one? And it is through the middle class, and placing everyone into this middle class, so that nobody makes less than anybody else, nobody reaches higher than anybody else, and we show our diversity and tolerance by behaving, thinking, and dealing everybody in exactly the same way…. Well, it is through this middle class that we will reach fairness. I don’t know about you, but if I could get hot and bothered, as some say, this would do it for me.

Fifteen and conclusion. With this heightened awareness of the meaning, or possible meanings, of this portion of our statement of purpose, that is, the statement of purpose of the democratic senatorial caucus, let us now reflect upon these great and glorious words, which will liberate Americans, and not-yet-americans-due-to-paperwork-challenges, from the slavery to capitalistic money-grabbing schemes.

Bow with me.

We strive for fairness, justice, and equality for all by standing up for all middle class Americans and those struggling to get there.


Thank you. I yield back.


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