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White House Memo 4529.3/B-6.19: Death of Queen Elizabeth

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In a memo to Democrats and party sympathizers, President Biden reassures the party faithful that he is using the Death of Queen Elizabeth to party advantage.

FROM: The President of the United States, Joseph R. Biden
TO: All Party Movement Sympathizers, Democrats, et al.
RE: White House Memo 4529.3/B-6.19: Death of Queen Elizabepth

Now is not the time to have second thoughts about what we are up against with these Americans, as they are called.

Now is not the time to dig in our heels and say, “I have gone this far, and no farther will I go.”

The donkey is a magnificent creature, full of wit and humor, laughter and love. It is also stubborn. But it is wise in its stubbornness.

Understand that our stubbornness does not include sitting in place and saying that our movement has gone far enough.

It has never gone far enough, and it never will, because the only sufficient eventuality for our movement is to create a vortex issuing in a black hole that sucks all of us into a veritable space vacuum and obliterates us all. Obliteration, limb from electron.

Ever since I heard Janis Joplin belt out “Bobby McGee,” I fancied myself as a man on the move, maybe even a relative of Bobby McGee–Darren, Carl….

A man who knew his place in the world, and was going to make something of himself. Jack, Tom, Phil–I think there was even a Mort or Milt, something like that.

And lo, the time has come: for when Elizabeth died, many were clamoring, saying to me, “Joe, Mr. President, etc., we’ve got to take advantage of Elizabeth’s death.”

Friend, understand that if you have been among the 50 or 60 who have been clamoring for my attention to tell me this little piece of news, I can assure you that I have a file exactly 25 linear feet long of contingency plans, charting actions to be taken in the event of this or that event.

Yes, Elizabeth’s demise was in that 25 linear feet, roughly eight feet three and one quarter inches from the front.

What was not in the file was the prospect of her dying at this juncture. My administration anticipated that HRH would die sometime nearer the new year.

But what’s done is done: despite our best efforts to revive her through resurrectional medicine, Queen Elizabeth remains dead.

Understand: we are democrats. As such, every moment is a moment for advantage play, especially when that moment is a death, a disaster, or a dystopian digression.

We are the Aikido politicos, using all movements in the universe for our own advantage. We are the ball that keeps bouncing long after the floor has turned to sponge.

I have the impression of walking upon sponges almost all day long.

To assuage some of the panic in your hearts, allow me to present a portion of that file on Elizabeth.

Contingency Plan CP {8} 9.41/21-BAT-SH-ITTT.

Upon the demise of the Queen of England, HRH Elizabeth, let us offer all sense of mourning and meanwhile push for extensive media coverage. This will allow us to move clandestinely beneath the very Queen’s tress and issue forth a variety of maneuvers that, apart from this distraction, would be difficult or at least politically inadvisable.

What you cannot see from your vantage is the small coffee stain decorating the upper right third of the cover page. This indicates to me that much time and effort was expended in the crafting of this documentation.

What you can see from this memo is that nothing but the best has been planned for the death of Elizabeth. While I am busy offering my condolences, understand that a plan is afoot, and will soon be revealed.

For those of you who demand something more substantial and specific, let me offer two points.

First, with midterms coming up, and the face of Donald J. Trump looming over this nation like a specter of flatulence in an otherwise Elvin paradise, allow that the death of Elizabeth comes at a fortuitous time.

We can use this death as a distraction, to distract from what is going on, both in our party plan, and with my dementia.

We must always keep the American people off their toes and on our toes, so that they will be unaware whether they are on our toes, or whose toys, toes or toys, toes–toys–toes [revise prior to distribution] they are on.

[Assistant note—-(remove before distribution!!!!!!): Joe behaving erratically, repeating ‘Kernfluck, kernfluck, zerfluckin kerfull kerfull!’–raising fist in air. ‘Kernfluuuuuuuuuuuck! Kern! Kern! Kern! Kern!’ Was nearly struck by flying crystal vase moment ago, threw self on floor. Vase flew overhead, smashed wall. Seated again. ‘Can I go home?’–Biden. Maid enters to sweep broken vase: ‘Joe, you be careful, is glass, is break, step is cut is bleed, is no bueno, Joe!’ Joe: ‘Thanks, honey, I knew Ronnie would pull through.’]

Second, we can use the death of Queen Elizabeth as a rallying cry and uniting element.

Let us join hands with personages of all stripes and show that, despite our shortcomings, we, too, are people. This unity may assist us in putting to bed several rumors abounding at present, such as that

  • I have been spayed or neutered;
  • the Chinese own one fifth of the pet stores in Delaware;
  • I have solemnly sworn to view the Constitution of the United States with suspicion, until proven otherwise;
  • and that I am in bed by 7:30 p.m. each night.

Let us all put on our democracy faces, for we must needs bang loud and long the gong of freedom and democracy to cover what we are in fact doing in opposition to same.

And the Queen watching o’er us all. Amen.



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