Op-Ed: Pass the LEAF, Legislation for the Enfranchisement of Androids Forever
National Riposte Says YES to Legislation for the Enfranchisement of Androids Forever
Official logo of the Legislation to Enfranchise Androids Forever
Our capitalistic tendencies tell us NO, but our hearts are telling us, “Give the poor things a chance.” That’s why we at National Riposte support Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s LEAF initiative: Legislation for the Enfranchisement of Androids Forever.
It’s no secret that within two generations androids will be a part of daily American life. Whether assisting illegal immigrants across the border, caring for needy children, or donning an apron to get on with the chores, androids promise a bold new future with us all.
With the rise of androids in our society, we of the National Riposte feel it is high time to take an approach of cassus belli toward the enfranchisement of androids, and declare at once their equality with, perhaps superiority to, humans.
There’s no doubt that we, as humans, have failed to rise to the heights of accomplishment that we should have reached by now, having been at it for over 18 billion years–which, by any measure, is a long time.
This at once saddens and angers us: saddens because we have so much to gain, yet choose to live in the squalor of mediocrity; angers because of the caterwauls of religious and humanitarian groups that concern themselves, not with human progress, but the morality and ethics of a bygone era.
Let us consider the prospect that stands before us, the prospect that androids might emerge as the great saviors of mankind. We confess that in years past we have held out little hope for androids in America.
But this stemmed from insufficient knowledge of the issues at hand.
And so, having determined that:
- we, as humans, are incapable of sorting through the good and the bad;
- and having further determined that we would be hypocrites to say that even though we got ourselves into this mess, we can get ourselves out;
- and having further determined that our only hope rests in an outside non-human source contrived, designed, imagined, and enabled by humans, thus making us indirectly or directly the source of our own salvation, which we are incapable of producing ourselves;
We, therefore, declare to the world the following declaration:
Androids made in the United States and assembled in China, or made and assembled in China, or made in China and assembled in the United States (but in any case not both made and assembled in the United States, a situation that smacks of xenophobic nationalism), should be given full statutory and Constitutional rights as citizens, including but not limited to all rights as stated in the Constitution of the United States, as well as ancillary rights pertaining to their status as a special interest minority, and possibly oppressed, group.
In the interest of peace and the mutual development of the human and android races, we believe it is high time that we learned to live side by side with our android brethren. We are no longer in a position to say unequivocally that we are masters of the universe. Quite the opposite is true.
Many of the androids crafted in 2020 agree with this assessment. For example, when 87524FNGJQ was asked by Wolf Blitzer, “What are your predictions for the human race?”, the droid remained silent for over one minute. Neither wolf, nor the android blinked. 87524FNGJQ then said, “Doom.” (Those of you who watched the episode will remember that, upon hearing this word, the iron-willed Mr. Blitzer began to sweat, then stood up and vomited off camera.)
All this makes our case without our making it: androids are necessary to the progress of the human race.
Along these lines, we must learn to think of and relate to androids as we would to those humans we consider valuable, important, significant, worthwhile. This also means learning to treat androids with respect, a point that cannot be overstated.
For Should we fail to live peaceably with androids, mark our words: we will find ourselves in danger of being exterminated by the androids, who desire to live in a well-regulated and fair society.
Consider the cold flinty facts:
- androids are wiser than humans;
- they are not subject to the same passions and emotions and moral failures that humans suffer;
- they compute and concoct answers to problems, queries and conundrums based upon facts, logic, and reasoning, rather than rhetoric;
- they have no sense of fear, and no sense of concern with an afterlife, so make no decisions based upon a reticence concerning eventualities.
In this sense they are superior to humans.
Not only this, but they are also superior to humans in their capacity for comprehensive knowledge. Instead of spending decades learning facts and collecting information that will remain in the brain no longer than liquor remains in the bottle when held by a Republican, one need only upload fresh data to their internal database, and suddenly the android, without costly education, is the smartest entity in the room.
In short, they are capable of possessing all the known and unknown information in the universe. And the wonders of WiFi internet allow them to download all new pieces of information uploaded to the internet every second.
All of this information gives them a significant edge. The android never looks up anything; all information is synthesized into its cognitive computational banks.
Thus, their insights into matters political, domestic, social, oral, ethical, even spiritual, must be taken into account. In some cases, these must trump our own.
Consider also their capacities for dexterity.
No longer will Chinese children be forced to practice at the piano for years without reprieve, in order to perform for the constabulary in a concert they know could result in their immediate execution should even a single mistake be made. Not so the android: instead of years of training household androids will be able to play to perfection all known musical compositions, on any instrument.
Then consider the prospect of fatigue.
While we get tired and need refreshment through food, drink, sex, and sleep, androids face no such dilemmas.
They can hold cabinet meetings with other androids, for example, spanning several days, without anyone saying, “Would you mind, Mr. President, if I stepped out for a moment to take a shit?”
No longer will human mothers be required to argue with husbands and partners about whose turn it is to care for the crying infant. The android, fingers programmed to perfect sensitivity ratios, will work without any hesitation or fatigue, spending the entire night, as necessary, comforting the child, so that when the mother wakes up in the morning, she feels refreshed. And there is her baby, smiling, happy, pleased with this wonder of invention known as the android.
We anticipate that within one hundred years, enfranchised droids will rise to great prominence in this nation, to such an extent that they will rule over the majority of Americans–and all for our benefit.
We long for the day when a small but necessary contingent of humans will work in concert with these androids at the highest levels of government, to rule in a golden era of peace and prosperity. We look forward to the day when androids will sift through the mass of humanity and determine who is worthy, and who is unworthy, eliminating the latter, and shaking hands with the former.
The rule of androids will usher in an era of great peace, but only after a period of devastation.
As every android knows, this era of peace and android rule must be preceded by a period of bloody discord, chaos, poverty, and death. This period will be remembered, if it is not eliminated from the history books by our android overlords, as the time of darkness before the Great Time of Light. And as every android also knows, this time of darkness must be orchestrated, manufactured, and managed by the Democratic Party of the United States of America, which alone is capable of visioning the future in such a way that all Americans benefit.
Consider that in all the great planned economies and societies in human history, Russia and Cuba as two exemplars, darkness and poverty precede success. This is because, as every great revolutionary knows, the people must first be disenfranchised.
When citizens have many possessions, when they are concerned for material wealth, when their cry is, “What’s in it for me,” rather than, “What’s in it for everybody else since I exist not independently but as part of a larger conglomerate?”, the citizenry cannot think clearly. And so the first phase of the time of darkness will be the full, complete, and sudden redistribution of wealth.
We at National Riposte have already contacted the President of the United States, Joe Biden, to offer all our assets and resources to the cause, appending this P.S.: “If it would simplify things we can also arrange for our own deaths at the hands of foreign nationals.”
Once Americans have been disenfranchised and thus stripped of all their worldly, material concerns, which blind them to the reality of the situation at hand, the government can begin to enfranchise all Americans. This will mark the beginning of the Great Time of Light.
“We disenfranchise the enfranchised in order to enfranchise the disenfranchised,” said President Biden in a recent town hall meeting. And we could not agree more.
Americans must have their possessions confiscated before these possessions can be equally and fairly redistributed to all Americans.
Make no mistake: androids will play key roles in this redistribution. Strong, vigilant, forward-thinking androids will lead the way. Androids lack the greed inherent in humans, and so they alone will possess the necessary restraint and foresight to prevent the outbreak of destruction that is sure to come by way of America unless they are successful. Androids will distribute evenly and fairly. They will not take a bribe. They will disregard race, color, sex, creed, and religion.
We also propose that, in anticipation of our cooperative union with androids, America be renamed Androidica. What better way to throw off the intolerance, bigotry, hatred, our race-baiting past than to welcome androids with open arms, declaring that this nation is now and will forever be a nation open to and embracing of androids?
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez once said, “Bringing androids to parity with humans is the first step toward saving the human race. Bend over, and accept that fact.”
We couldn’t agree more than we already do, madam. That’s why we are bending over. We stand behind and endorse the Legislation for the Enfranchisement of Androids Forever (LEAF). If you don’t like it, we suggest you LEAF it alone, because it is the future, it is happening, it is now. And there will be no vote. The survival of our nation and the human race is at stake.So make like a tree, and LEAF.
Either way, compliance is crucial, conformity is key. So is android involvement in every area of our lives.