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Spreading Misinformation Daily

To the Editor

National Riposte’s vigorous community of amateur commentators send us messages, from time to time, about topics in and out of the news, on everything under the sun. Messages are edited for clarity and syntax. Messages might also be edited for content.


Sioux Falls, IA

I’m telling you I’m so sick of Nancy Pelosi! She’s the worst. I was in Washington, D.C., two years ago on a family vacation. Thought we’d show up and see how the butter churns in this country. Anyway, we ended up parking behind her near Pennsylvania Avenue, though we had no idea it was her car. Turns out she had our minivan towed while we were sightseeing. When we picked up our car from the impound lot, they cited an obscure 1975 city ordinance that says that any vehicle parked within eight feet of a vehicle of a current member of the House of Representatives can be towed at the discretion of the member. If she reimburses us for the tow, I might vote Democrat again.

Portland, OR

What prison will they take Donald J. Trump to? I was thinking one here in Oregon would be good, for a couple reasons. First, because it’s on the opposite side of the country, away from Washington, D.C., and the power base. Second, it’s away from New York City and Mar a Lago, which would put him at a disadvantage. The third reason, more of a PS, is that I’d love to visit him from time to time. I’ve always wanted to know what makes someboyd like that tick. Will they shave his head once he’s in prison? I’m curious about his sentencing. Will it be a life sentence?

Atlanta, GA

I’m a gay liberal democrat, but I didn’t vote for Joe Biden because he’s never marched in a pride parade. Neither has Trump, that bastard. They’re both bastards. I’m more man than both of them combined, and I’ve specifically avoided sex change surgery because I hate men, even though my partner, Lizbet, tells me I’m masculine. It’s disgusting, but it’s what I’ve got. I hate genderizing. But Joe and Donald genderize like crazy. Drives me nuts. I’m all for anarchy. Hello, martial law!

Philadelphia, PA

Sesame Street is racist, racist, racist! Let’s start with Elmo. Okay, imagine that little guy talking like a white person. But they got him talking like a black dwarf or something. And I know that there was a brother who did the voice, but his ass ended up in prison. The brothers in there probably got him on all fours. “Do the Elmo!” Man, I’d love to see the final episode of Sesame Street where they apologize to all black folks for turning us all into Uncle Toms. Then we get wet on wet gang violence taking over Sesame Street. Tellie Monster is going to be selling crack, and Oscar the Grouch is a pimp. Don’t even ask what’s in Big Bird’s nest.

New Haven, CT

The more we are enraged at enragement, the more we will make enragement a thing of the past. We get mad at being mad to destroy the being mad-ness.


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