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Ancient Martians Victims of Mars Warming

Chaotic Burial Grounds Dot Martian Landscape

Mars helicopter Ingenuity - Photographs of Martian Graves - Death by Mars Warming

Photo of Martian burial grounds, via Ingenuity helicopter. Photo courtesy NASA.

PASADENA, CA. –NASA’s Martian Archaeology and History Sector, a wing of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, in Pasadena, California, determined that a vibrant martian population once existed on Mars, but global warming destroyed their civilization. 

“It really was a glorious, thriving civilization, probably much akin to Atlantis, presuming it existed,” said Sector Chief Dr. Lakshmi Vingrub, an archaeologist and astronomer.

Numerous Martian cemeteries dot the landscape in what Dr. Vingrub calls a “wasteland of Martian carnage.”

In Sector Verbatim, for example, about a half mile from the present location of the Mars rover Perseverance, hoards of Martian bodies are strewn across vast sprawling cities. What appear in photographs to be large rocks on the Martian surface are actually shallow graves on the outskirts of town.

“We’re talking the size of New York city. They were undone by their refusal to take serious and direct action on global warming,” said Dr. Vingrub.

Dr. Vingrub notes that NASA has chosen not to disclose pictures of the cities due to the shocking and depressing nature of their content.

Dr. Vingrub says that the most likely scenario on Mars, some eight thousand years ago, was that the Martians saw their planet warming, and slowly, but surely, they began to die. Dr. Vingrub notes that the random and chaotic placement of shallow graves, along with Martian-language etchings that, when translated, say, “We’re screwed,” indicate a catastrophe of apocalyptic proportions.

President Biden said that the Martians are an example to us all, and called on all Americans to make May 1, May Day, a day of national mourning and remembrance for the lost Martian civilization.

“Their failure to take strict and immediate action to correct their form of global warming has resulted in their total extinction. We must silence all who say that global warming is a hoax. These people are terrorists, because they are saying, ‘I don’t care if we all get nuked in a microwave that we created.’ To me, that’s terror talk. That’s not justice. Insofar as global warming will kill us all, it follows that speaking out against measures to correct global warming is equivalent to saying, ‘Let’s kill everyone on the planet.’ Sounds like another round of [Osama] bin Laden to me. Actually, that’s what bin Laden said. The similarities are scary. Just look at mars. Look at what happened there. That’s us in 35 years, if we don’t push my plan through immediately,” the President said.

Former Vice President and global warming activist Al Gore said he’s not surprised at the discovery, but was disappointed by President Biden’s protracted prediction for planetary destruction, pushing for a much earlier date.

“It’s what I’ve been harping on, preaching, declaring, presenting, and asserting for decades now. [The Martian] failure to take action led to their demise, and is a clear and unmitigated example of what happens when, like the Martians, you ignore the obvious signs of destruction all around. It’s going to be the same for us. If we don’t take action, we are going to be fried alive. Thousands of years from now aliens will visit our planet and say, ‘My God, why didn’t they take action to avert a global warming catastrophe?’ I predict Earth’s catastrophe will be unleashed on March 18, 2031. I have irrefragable proof of this that I am willing to share with the President on a need-to-know basis. But let me castigate the President and say that he needs to get with the script. We’ve got a clear way of running this program,” Gore said.

For Gore, the “clear way” sees the placement of the date of Earth’s destruction as a crucial piece in the global warming agenda. Without it, getting Americans aboard the global warming bandwagon may prove difficult, if not impossible.

Republicans, led by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, chafe under the President’s global warming agenda.

“The President’s Machiavellian and authoritarian pose have nothing to do with reality. He has missed the point about global warming, that it’s not a stick to beat people with but a carrot to eat them with,” McConnell said.

The U.S. Department of Labor underscored the fiscal possibilities available for all Americans with President Biden’s global warming initiative. “There is untold wealth in global warming through revenues and regulations,” said Secretary of Labor Martin J. Walsh. “Economic stimulus, job creation, clean air, justice for all. The Martians were victims of their own hubris. We’re all better when we link arms around a cooler Earth.”

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