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President Joe Biden Speaking in a Meeting

Photo courtesy U.S. National Archives

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Early Saturday morning, President Joseph R. Biden became disoriented and lost his way in the White House for approximately 23 minutes, after which he was located by the Secret Service in the Harrison Attic of the White House.

The Secret Service was alerted by the president’s wife, Dr. Jill Biden, who declared that while the president usually visited the bathroom seventeen times an hour during the night, after his sixteenth trip he had not returned.

The Secret Service declared a code Puce, indicating that the President went missing while en route to or from the restroom, and was not seen leaving the White House.

The Secret Service located the president in the Harrison Attic, situated on the northeast corner of the White House, after the Secret Service made a careful and thorough search of the White House.

Secret Service Chief of security Max Blemshoffner said that the president turning up in an unexpected location in the White House was nothing new. “The president enjoys nocturnal strolls, sometimes in the nude, to various portions of the White House. On occasion he has asked me to give him a tour, which I accommodate, but only after offering to fetch his robe. This, however, is the first time he has made his way into the attic.”

Upon Secret Service Agent Brent Cunningham’s discovery of the Mr. Biden, the president said he was glad that his home had such capable defensive partitions, “just like Paul Revere had at the Alamo to see the British coming twice if once by sea.”

The president was was escorted to his room and resumed his regular practice of visiting the restroom sixteen times each hour.

Mrs. Biden said she was “greatly relieved” that her husband, the president, hadn’t ventured again into the rosebush garden behind the white house last February. In that episode, the president’s silken boxer shorts, a gift from Canadian politician Herb Gray in 1990, were torn and punctured by the thorns of the rosebushes. The remnants of the boxer shorts were sold by a private collector on eBay in 2001 for $1,100, for which the president received no royalties.

Despite the initial alarm the event caused the secret service and Mrs. Biden, the rescue is also fraught with historical weight. It marks the first time in 41 years that a President of the United States has visited the Harrison Attic. The last president to visit the Harrison Attic was President Ronald Reagan, in search of Boohoo, the Reagan’s family chimpanzee, who entertained the Reagans nightly with magic tricks, acrobatics, songs, and dances, for the first three years of Reagan’s presidency.

The northeast attic is named after the nation’s shortest serving president, William Henry Harrison, who served as commander in chief just 30 days, 12 hours, and 30 minutes.

The northeast portion of the White House attic found its namesake after the White House Historical Association determined in June of 1962 that the attic was “ill-used and lacking in the usual skullduggery most prominent in out of the way and clandestine locales associated with presidential politics.” Since Harrison accomplished little, if anything, while president, the association considered it fitting that “this portion of the attic be named after him, since the attic was, at that time, being used for little, if anything.”

Jacqueline Kennedy, widow of former president John F. Kennedy and also founder of the White House Historical Association, stated that Harrison “had one life to give for his country, and he did, he gave it, sort of like a martyr whipping up sausage in that rainstorm. And we thank him for that.”

Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said that this event “marks yet another low point in the Biden administration,” calling into question “the President’s fitness to lead the nation through this long dark night.”

Democratic Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said that this event “marks yet another low point in Mitch McConnell’s public speaking career.”

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