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Biden Orders Obama’s Birthday National Holiday

Biden Signing
The United States Coast Guard isn't the only one with a birthday on August 4. Cue Barack Obama.
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Biden Orders Obama’s Birthday National Holiday

The Coast Guard Isn’t the Only One With a Birthday on August 4.

Biden Signing

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden signed a memo today declaring August 4 to be a Federal Holiday because of the birthday of former President Barack Hussein Obama.

The former president was born on August 4, 1961, in Honolulu, Hawaii,

“This is a momentous day,” said Mr. Biden before signing the memo. “It marks a great turning point in which we begin to turn from a point we were at, to a new greater point, where we can be soon.”

The memo dictates that an annual ticker tape parade will be held in Honolulu. Public schools will be required to celebrate the life of Obama in song, dance, and spectacle, from his days as a lowly Chicago activist, to his rise to the White House.

“Let all the world see and know,” President Biden’s memo states, “that from humble beginnings, greatness flows. Let the children see, and be glad.”

In Washington, Obama will be ushered along Pennsylvania Avenue in his limousine, then be invited to the White House, where he is expected to deliver a speech decrying all claims that a swamp exists in Washington, D.C., and to chide claims of the existence of a deep state.

Federal workers will receive the day off, all Congressional activity will be suspended, national parks will close, and all federal workers will receive double pay for the day, except for white men, whose wages will be garnished as a reparation to African Americans.

Republican Lindsay Graham claims that declaring August 4 a federal holiday will denigrate the birthday of the Coast Guard.

“The coast guard’s birthday receives a mere observation, while Barack Obama gets the works.”

Mr. Biden’s memo addresses this point, stating, “We are aware that the United States Coast Guard’s birthday falls on the same day as Mr. Obama’s birthday. We cannot help the historical coincidence. Let us bear in mind that the United States Coast Guard has always been with us, and that it was founded by white men who had little or no respect for persons of color. For as long as our great nation has taken to the seas to defend our cause of gender justice and health insurance for all, we have had a Coast Guard. Beyond this, the Coast Guard is a faceless entity, not a person, thus need have no birthday that it should continue its work. Therefore it would be inappropriate by any measure to insist upon a single day as the birthday of the Coast Guard.”

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