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Canadian Man’s Finger Straightened in America

Morgano flipping the middle finger bird post-surgery

Morgano’s bird, flying high post-surgery

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Robin Morgano, of Montreal, Canada, received corrective finger surgery in Minneapolis by Dr. Hans Lipmann, of The Johns Hopkins Hospital, to straighten his crooked right middle finger.

Morgano sought treatment for his right digit after breaking the finger in a snowboarding accident. The finger healed crooked, and Morgano could no longer straighten the finger as previously.

From the beginning, Morgano said that his  “overweening concern was regaining full flexion of my middle finger, in order to continue flipping the bird to whomever I happened across.”

Morgano says he is an inveterate bird flipper, even flipping off family and friends “just for the hell of it.”

Morgano began displaying his middle finger in high school to pedestrians while riding in the back of his family’s station wagon. The sequestered ride gave Morgano a sense of isolated ease. What, after all, could the motorists do to him?

These early successes bolstered Morgano’s confidence in the middle finger. His middle finger extensions proliferated; Morgano continued extending his middle finger to a greater number of people, eventually summoning the courage to flip off residents in his neighborhood, shoppers at the grocery store, municipal workers, nursing home residents, and the like.

“Most of my classmates understood the bird to be great fun,” said Morgano. “It assisted in the loss of my virginity. This one chick wanted it inside her.”

While still in high school, Morgano set a Guinness world record after he displayed his middle finger to a clerk in every store at the West Edmonton Mall, in Edmonton, Canada, North America’s largest shopping mall.

However, just weeks after his record-setting display, and with confidence bolstered by his latest achievements, Morgano fell on hard times after extending his middle finger to a member of the Royal Canadian mounted police. At the time, Morgano was just 17.

“I saw him [the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Officer] sitting there and thought, ‘What a supreme target for such a maneuver.’”

The Canadian Mountie, seated atop his steed, chased Morgano at a gallop through the streets of Montreal, and finally managed to corner him in an alley, an action for which the Mountie received the gold star of valourious arbitration in ancillary matters.

Morgano was arrested and sentenced to two years of hard labor at the Juvenile Detention Centre of Quebec (“Your Place for Change”, reads the slogan), where the authorities released him after 15 minutes due to air quality and pollen concerns.

“What a lucky break,” said Morgano. “I even flipped off the guards on my way out. But what could they do?” 

Throughout college and his twenties, Morgano continued flipping off people all across Montreal. He performed the act with such consistency and indiscriminate abandon that his prolific act divided the city.

On the one hand were those who calculated that Morgano’s action was all in good fun. On the other side stood those civic-minded persons who felt that Morgano was a deleterious influence in the city, causing, as the Coalition for Manners Viceroy Engels Matrison stated by way of carrier pigeon, the Coalition’s preferred method of communication, “sundry diversions from mainstream decency.”

Of particular concern to the Coalition’s sensibilities was the “Finger Me Morgano” rally, in which hundreds came together in downtown Montreal, waving banners and carrying signs, along with foam replicas of Morgano’s middle digit, to show their support for Morgano.

“It’s a seriously momentous and, like, important thing,” said Bunny Hotchkins, a fifteen year old who attended the rally.

It was from the peak of this snowbank that Morgano fell onto rough terrain.

“I was snowboarding one weekend…and fell and broke my middle finger,” said Morgano.

Morgano’s finger was set by a local doctor, but the finger healed crookedly.

This dismayed Morgano. “It was,” said Morgano, “like, the moment I tried to raise my middle finger to a school crossing guard, and about four hundred people had gathered around, and I found it bent almost in an L shape, I said, what am I going to do now, eh?”

One of Morgano’s fans, who now hailed from across Canada, heard about the plight of the infamous finger, and through several contacts made arrangement for Morgano to have outpatient surgery to straighten his middle finger.

 The Canadian Morgano found the healthcare system in the United States to be “roughly equivalent to perfection” and “thoroughly adequate” for all of his needs.

When The Johns Hopkins hospital heard that Morgano would be paying in cash for the procedure, the renowned hospital agreed to pay for Morgano’s travel costs, as well as to waive the infamous “lobby fee,” a $2200 fee discreetly appended to all patient bills to cover the privilege of walking into the lobby. 

“This is a rare opportunity for Mr. Morgano,” said Johns Hopkins admissions chief Angelina Martinez-Cadilla. “This is a privilege usually reserved for dignitaries of state, billionaires, democratic party wonks, and a handful of homeless personages, with whom we deal once a decade or so in order to show our charitable nature.”

“It was fabulous luck to regain full use of my middle finger,” said Morgano. “It’s amazing the things we take for granted.”

Morgano’s love and prolific use of the middle finger has inspired several filmmakers to seek the rights to his story. Netflix is rumored to be in secret negotiations with Indie film director Peter-Esteban Sangabriel Martinez Alvarez for a dramatic retelling of the story, entitled, “For Love of the Bird”.

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