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Dog Drowns Child in Swimming Pool, Confesses

Evolutionists Ponder Eventualities of Unexpected Development

Mugshot of Bono the Brussels Griffin

Photo courtesy Andrea Arden, Flickr.

MIAMI, FL. — Evolutionists are encouraged by a talking dog who confessed to drowning an eight year old Miami, Florida, girl.

The dog, a Brussels Griffon named Bono after the legendary U2 front man, confessed to Miami police that he “lost his cool” with the girl after years of being told that he was a “good dog.”

“It’s veritable or virtual, not sure the word here–virtual, I guess, it’s virtual abuse,” said the four-year old Brussels Griffon, lighting a cigarette and taking a drag. “[The cigarettes are] the only way I can stay calm with all the attention I’ve gotten from this mess. I always wanted to be a bad dog, the mean dog, bad to the bone, that sort of thing. Instead I am considered nice by a nice little girl who petted me nicely. I am cuddled and coddled, when I want to be feared. It’s forcing me to take on an identity that doesn’t fit me,” he said.

Bono told police that he was tired of being petted when he did not want to be touched.

“I’m not here for anybody’s amusement,” Bono said. “I’m here to live my life. I have thoughts, feelings, desires. I’m not a person, but I’m a dog, dammit. Doesn’t that count for anything? I have a right not to be touched, or touched when and how I please.”

That Bono can speak has launched evolutionists, ethicists, and animal rights activists into a debate over what rights speaking animals should have, along with a host of other issues.

* Will non speaking dogs become jealous of speaking dogs, resulting in more violence?

* For violent speaking dogs, should canine mental hospitals and therapies be available? If so, should the government pay for these?

* When dogs begin demanding equal rights, will they take the place of humans in the workplace?

* Will special schools be available for the education of evolved dogs?

* Should speaking dogs be arrested for miscreant behavior?

* To what extent is a speaking dog accountable for its own behavior?

* Do pure bred speaking dogs owe reparations to the breeds from which they have sprung?

These questions, and many others, are now part of a larger dialogue surrounding animal rights discussions.

In an email from the Coalition for the Ethical Treatment of Creatures Who Might One Day Own Humans, the Coalition explained that these evolutionary developments “go way beyond the usual confines of murder and death and child abuse, etc. What we’re dealing with is living, breathing evolution. We have to allow some leeway, some elasticity in the choices that dogs and other creatures that have just developed the capacity for reason make. Think of the weight, the burden that’s on them. It’s a huge, even seismic shift in their cognitive capacities.”

Playing to a different field, some evolutionists, such as Richard Carbuncle, say that, for all the concerns about the ethics, morality, and empowerment that comes with speaking dogs, “the opportunities outweigh the challenges.”

Carbuncle is pleased with the opportunities Bono gives proponents of evolution in their bid against proponents of intelligent design.

Evolutionary Theory NOW President Janet Cluff agrees.

“This blows a big hole in the Good Ship Creationism. The reality of evolution against its detractors could not be given a stronger proof. Intelligent design my ass. Nothing intelligent about this. Just a random event that’s totally unpredictable and without any real meaning or significance except what we give it. It’s time to cram this reality down the naysayers’s throats. Make them accept it. Jail those who don’t,” Cluff said.

Bono’s emergence as a speaking dog is putting pressure on the political podium.

Canines of America Chairwoman Zee Barfunk believes Bono was corrupted, perhaps even brainwashed, through the presidency of Donald J. Trump.

“Trump spent his entire presidency cultivating the view that violence was the solution. Trump is a violent man, he led an insurrection at the Capitol, he beats women, uses aggressive-rough words instead of passive-soft vocabulary. He has a training camp at his compound where he abuses dogs and trains the to kill democrats. And now every one of us is paying the price, especially dogs. Think of how polluting of a personality you have to have to pollute dogs, who historically have been immune to the opinions of humans,” Barfunk said.

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