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Flying Saucer Crash Lands in Cleveland Leaves Dozens Dead

ufo flying saucer hovering over city

The mothership gathered the crashed saucer, then vanished

CLEVELAND, OH — A small flying saucer crash landed in Cleveland, Ohio, killing eighteen motorists and three pedestrians, and destroying the East 90th Street interstate overpass.

The saucer made its initial contact with Cleveland when it splashed down at a bend in the Cuyahoga River, running adjacent to the Marathon Petroleum Company. After skipping along the surface of the Cuyahoga, the craft took flight again, only to careen into into the overpass.

The saucer demolished the overpass and the cars present on it, though the craft itself sustained no visible damage. The craft slid to a stop fifty feet north of the overpass on East 90th Street.

Some drivers travelling north and south toward the overpass failed to notice that the overpass was missing and careened to the pavement below. Dozens of motorists abandoned their vehicles on the interstate and surrounding streets to capture the sight on their cell phones.

Within minutes of the crash, two extreme religious groups, located in the Cleveland metropolitan area, and known respectively as the StarGaze Gammas and the People of the Planets, descended on the area to claim the saucer as their own long-awaited mothercraft. 

While the members of each group chanted, sang, and danced, the ringleader of each group began searching the vessel for its door, pounding on the sides of the vessel, and urging the pilot to come out. 

An argument soon erupted between the leaders of the opposing groups. Insults and threats were exchanged, after which the two leaders began throwing punches at each other. Assault weapons, stun guns, tazers, knives, and chains were quickly drawn by both ringleaders and their followers and a general melee ensued.

Over a dozen patrol officers responded to the scene, in addition to several Ohio state troopers and members of the Cleveland field office of the FBI.

Six members of the groups were killed in the firefight that ensued between law enforcement and the group, in addition to the 31 killed in the earlier melee between the two groups. Only three members survived the melee and the shootout with police. They were arrested and are being held in the Cleveland city jail without bail.

Meanwhile, a group of about fifty patrol officers stood beside the saucer sharing opinions on what this event might or might not mean for the future of law enforcement pensions in Cleveland, as well as the implications for Cleveland’s Superbowl odds.

Several federal agencies, including the FBI, the Department of Homeland Security, and the Internal Revenue Service, wrested control of the scene from local law enforcement after an intense shouting match. Agent Stan Huber, of the Internal Revenue Service, declared the area to be a “scene of immense curiosity and uncertainty,” and that the flying saucer would be “required, under current intergalactic provisions, to show proof of insurance and submit the craft to an appraisal to determine rate of taxation.”

About a hundred fire fighters from eight stations across the Metro area blasted vehicles, pedestrians, and the alien craft with water.

A shimmering craft, appriximately 300 yards long and 75 yards wide, then appeared in the sky and hovered over the craft. Several onlookers opened fire on the craft and were immediately vaporized by it.

A tractor beam issuing from the belly of the larger ship took possession of the smaller craft. Both ascended at a rapid rate, then disappeared with a blinding flash of light.

The Mayor of Cleveland, Justin Bibb, and the Governor of Ohio, Mike DeWine, who are sworn enemies and have made a blood pact to refuse direct communication with each other except in case of nuclear war or similar circumstances, called President Joseph R. Biden to urge him to make contact with the Intergalactic Department of Transportation’s (IDT) Adequate Passage Division (APD), which investigates all crashes of non-inhabitant planetary craft, in order to seek compensation for the damages the craft inflicted upon Cleveland.

The President told Governor DeWine that “If we are but that’s always and possibilities forthcoming forthwith a recalcitrance forth forthing with the fourth. We are in the middle of reparations of the kind we have been for the timing which, you know, is repairments able because of things. ”

Gov. DeWine then relayed the message to Mayor Bibb, who responded that “there’s no way that that’s what he said, you son of a bitch, it doesn’t make any sense, and I resent you lying to me on this serious matter.”

The Adequate Passage Division was unavailable for comment. All calls were forwarded to a voicemail box, which was full. The voicemail recording indicated that “The APD is unavailable for intergalactic accidents or other contingencies in the Polaris cluster, but please leave a straksbenarger and we will issue a reprimand forthwith.”

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John Doe

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