House Passes Bigfoot Bill
Dems push legislation through to protect Bigfoot
Photo courtesy The Verge & Josh Litton
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that Congressional Republicans are calling “a red-herring during a national crisis,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced on Friday that she was pleased that the House of Representatives passed Bill 82498A-94, declaring the American Sasquatch to be an endangered species.
Nicknamed the SAVE OUR SQUATCH Bill by Republican detractors, the bill criminalizes the killing of a Sasquatch,offering a penalty of a $300,000 fine, payable to the Democratic Caucus of America (or the NAACP, for white violators), and a thirty year prison sentence in a maximum security prison.
Sasquatch lands are also inviolable, and the bill allows for, though doesn’t mandate, that all Sasquatch lands be closed to public consumption.
“The American Sasquatch is an American institution,” Pelosi said. “Different from all other breeds of Sasquatch around the world, the American Sasquatch is American in that it wanders freely, without restriction, in America. It has the freedom of speech, the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. It has more right to exist than a fetus, since it exists on its own. It must be treated with respect.”
Republican House Whip Steve Scalise decried this move as “sheer stupidity, a neanderthal moronicity, engendered by fake science, the same that is used to justify and promulgate climate change.”
Senator Mitch McConnell has vowed to fight the bill, and called on all senators to “end this foolishness. There’s no such thing as a Songsquanche.”
Pelosi retorted by tweet that “McConnell doesn’t even know how to pronounce S-A-S-K-W-O-T-C, let alone able to defend these poor things.”
Pelosi says that several of her closest friends have witnessed what she calls “the majesty of the Sasquatch” in America’s national parks. “My best friend was killed by a Sasquatch in 1987, back when Reagan was secretly trying to eliminate all Sasquatch. I don’t hold it against the Sasquatch, because she was, my friend, encroaching or otherwise trespassing on the Sasquatch’s territory.”
Over a hundred protestors gathered at the U.S. Capitol to demand that the Sasquatch be rescued from doom. The protestors waved signs and sported t-shirts bearing the slogans, “SAVE MY SQUATCH,” and “REPUBLICANS MURDER BIGFOOT.”
Congressional Cryptozoologist Dr. Mort Versuck, who manages the private subterranean Congressional Cryptozoo (known around the world for housing over a million specimens of dubious or otherwise unknown taxonomy), said that while there is no direct evidence for the existence of Sasquatch, the circumstantial evidence makes a strong case for the creature’s existence.
“Second- and third-hand eye-witness accounts of strange noises in the woods, credible footprints of enormous size and unknown origin, and inscrutable eyes shining from bushes at night, all lead to a startling and scientifically obvious conclusion: the Sasquatch exists,” said Dr. Versuck.
The Bigfoot bill also takes aim at reducing the negative effects of global warming on the Sasquatch community.
Congressional zoologist Dr. Versuck says that global warming leads to apathy and lowered reproductive rates among the Sasquatch, as well as disorientation, dehydration, and isolationist tendencies that lead them to disassociate from each other, causing loneliness, depression, and finally death.
President Biden complimented the bold vision of the bill.
“This is a bold initiative from the House and very, very forward, uh, thinking forward, instead of, you know, the backward,” said the President. “It’s ahead of its time. We’ve got to end wrongful Sasquatch death. It’s un-American and I’m ramping up my global warming initiatives to hold violators responsible for persecution of the Bigfoot community. The Sasquatch is dear to us all. I am considering the reality of possibilities, thing, with the Sasquatch replacing Washington, from the Mexican War, on the four quarters notary, the dollar one.”