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Polar Bears Petition President Biden: ‘Stop the Greenhouse Slaughter’

Polar Bear Coalition for Cessation of Global Warming (PoBCoCGloW) representatives petitioned President Biden on Monday to escalate and accelerate efforts to end global warming.
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Three representatives of the Polar Bear Coalition for Cessation of Global Warming (PoBCoCGloW) appeared outside the White House Monday to petition President Biden to escalate and accelerate efforts to end global warming.

In a prepared statement, PoBCoCGloW Chair Polar Bear Vintopshlopf said, “We urge the President to take extreme and aggressive action at this time to save our habitat.”

While it has been reported that polar bears can swim, in the extreme, 220 miles, Vintopshlopf says that swimming such distances are rare for twenty first century polar bears.

“We polar bears of the new millennium enjoy rest and relaxation. We feel little or no need to travel great distances. The old ways are dying off among us. Modern technology and habitat reformation make our lives more pleasant. Were it not for global warming, we could reside happily without the need for travel.”

What struck arctic researcher Linda Graystone as remarkable was that polar bears could speak.

“There have been no documented cases of polars bears speaking to humans,” she said.

Graystone acknowledges that while the revelation of polar bear speech astounded her, it also came with sadness.

“We are living in a time of great danger to polar bears. And if we are being honest, we humans have caused this. Specifically, Republicans, free speech advocates, conservatives, capitalists, coal miners, and libertarians have conspired to fry this planet. What seems obvious to me is that polar bears have developed the capacity of speech as an evolutionary response to loss of habitat due to global warming.”

Climate change czar John Kerry warns warns that if polar bear concerns are disregarded, the bears could issue a statement advising Americans of their intention to form an exploratory committee to form a committee to consider the prospect of escalating polar bear community concerns to level two, resulting in a war waged against Americans. Kerry also hinted that reparations to the polar bear community are a distinct possibility to assuage the angst of the polar bear community and acknowledge collective human culpability in the plight of polar bears.

PoBCoCGloW cited several instances of climate change-related hardships suffered by polar bears.

In some instances, climate change has forced polar bears into cannibalism, devouring their own; some, such as the late polar bear Rekstophblomturg, a close friend of Vintopshlopf, have died of global warming-related starvation.

Said Vintopshlopf on Monday, “Though Rekstophblomturg perished seven years ago, his memory remains, the cruelty of the situation lingers, and our hearts will find no rest until our ice measurements comport with desired results. Now is the time, Mr. President, to bring the hammer down.”

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