by Tyffani Berseppus-Galistrano-Putin (who is suffering from PMS at the moment, so will by default be excused for saying anything that would be better left unsaid)
It’s becoming obvious to anyone paying attention to politics nowadays that there is a decided evolutionary bifurcation of Homo sapiens.
I mean the bifurcation of Homo sapiens into Homo trumpiens and the Homo democratiens.
Homo democratiens rise higher in the evolutionary food chain, thus making them BETTER SUITED to issuing sustainable political opinions.
And don’t let the name fool you: it isn’t about being a democrat, but about holding certain ideals that are crucial to the survival of our nation.
Let me offer some characteristics of the Homo democratiens.
- They have seen the importance of an open border policy, so that everyone can have equal opportunities.
- They believe in transgenderism as a heightened evolutionary awareness.
- They believe that a small elite can run this country better than the citizenry.
- From each, according to their ability, to each, according to their need.
- They understand and accept that Black People are oppressed and need reparations.
- They see the importance of phasing out white folks.
- They believe that a powerful military does nothing but provoke other nations to hate and attack America.
- They believe that all wealth should be distributed equally.
- They are heartbroken because we are destroying the environment through addiction to fossil fuels.
- They do not believe that private citizens need to own guns. Once guns go away, violent crime will be obliterated.
The Homo trumpiens, by contrast, are a cesspool of ignorance. They believe the following:
- They do not need to be governed by a distant, though inherently capable and interested, elite.
- They can better manage their lives than the elites.
- Their propensity for making bad choices should in no way be an argument against their right to make their own choices and live how they want.
- They should be able to believe whatever they want to believe and express any opinion, even one critical of the elite.
- They are better able to choose a career than the government is.
- Lower gas mileage is a better option than the elimination of private vehicles in favor of mandated green fuel public transit.
- Reparation is bunk.
- Transgendered people should be killed.
- Every person in America, even minors, should own at least three assault weapons. Ammunition dispensers should be available in all public school restrooms and gas stations.
- Children should be publicly flogged in school for minor offenses, such as chewing on pencil erasers.
- George Washington was NOT a bigoted white man whose success came through white privilege.
- First peoples are dogs and should be dealt with accordingly.
While I am a proponent of equal rights and opportunities for all Homo sapiens, I am not a big fan of UNRESTRICTED HOMO TRUMPIENS spouting off the ramblings of the lesser evolved.
We enjoy chimpanzees, for example, and their poop flinging amuses us. But no one in their right mind would elect a chimp to office. (And most feel safer when the chimps are in cages.)
But the state of Homo trumpiens is even more dire than appears at first glance.
These fools pine for a second term for Donald J. Trump, believing that such a deranged tyrant as he can better lead this country than the elite evolved who comprise the Homo democratiens.
Imagine a leader so foolish as to put power in the hands of the people.
Everything about THE PEOPLE speaks against their having power.
Have you seen the way these people live? Have you seen the food they eat? The awful clothes they wear? The vehicles they drive? Their low personal and professional aspirations? The houses that they call “nice”?
The American people live like dogs and badgers, and why? Because they don’t know any better.
It’s a sad state of affairs, but these people haven’t evolved from their primitive Homo trumpiens state, and so will always be led astray by mongrel-like Homo trumpiens, such as Donald J. Trump, who himself has yet to evolve into the Homo democratiens, despite our best efforts to remind him over and over of how terrible a person he is and how he should go kill himself for the greater good.
If Donald J. Trump was truly evolved, he would not plow his way through our national conscience like a bull in a pawn shop. He would have gracefully accepted defeat. He would have deferred to Homo democratiens. He would have pled guilty. He would have shut up.
This is the big ideology we are up against. It is the lesser evolved rising against the more evolved.
We Homo democratiens need to stand strong in our opposition to this lesser species attempting to run this country.
Just a little while longer, and if trumpiens have their way, this entire nation will go to ruin, and so will our carefully manicured paychecks.
It all comes down to survival of the fittest. In this rough and tumble world, we have to accept that a lot of Homo trumpiens will probably better serve the Homo sapiens as inmates in Georgia prisons. There, with their commander in chief, Donald J. Trump, they can bask in the glow of their mutual ignorance while feeding on scraps of lettuce and picking lice from each other’s scalps.
It follows, it’s logical—it makes good sense.
Some people will need to go away for a long time so that we Homo democratiens can smooth out the road for future generations. The Homo trumpiens are ill-suited to live long and prosper. They will go the way of the dodo, just like Homo neanderthalis.
We hold these truths to be self evident, that there is a pretty big gap between the workability of the atavistic and naive political theories of the Homo trumpiens and the superlative ideologies of the Homo democratiens.
PS — I don’t know how the hell it happened, but my husband and I did our annual blood draw, checking for any sign of BAD POLITICAL IDEOLOGIES, and he came back Homo trumpien. How the fuck am I just finding this out? And he’s got all the symptoms—even told me this morning how sorry he feels for Donald J. Trump. Sorry, but I’m not sorry to say that we will be getting a divorce ASAP as I’m not going to live with a card carrying Homo trumpien who wants to oppress women, belittle my excessive yogurt and Peloton consumption, and cherish male chauvinism. Nuh uh.