Get That Guy On A Leash!

a running track with lines painted on it

The strange but plausible story of Joe Biden’s Bolting & Collar Concern

It was a warm August night in Washington, D.C., when, at the bidding of the First Lady, Dr. Jill Biden, the Secret Service hooked President Joe Biden into his collar and leash and took him on a stroll through the White House.

“Come on, Mr. President,” says the Secret Service agent. He walks a few steps ahead of the president. The president remains motionless. WIth a gentle tuxx A gentle tug of the leash, and the president lurches forward, uneasily at first.

Then he gets his rhythm.

“Good work, sir,” says the agent.

As the Presiden’t mental state has declined, Dr. Jill has grown weary of the president’s frequent overnight wanderings.

“You’ve got to wear him out before bed,” said Dr. Jill. “He’s like a toddler. But you have to wear the hell out of him to get him to sleep even a few hours at night.”

Time was when Joe used to wander the White House himself.

But then came that terrible night when the President wandered to the Harrison Attic in the White House.

The president was out of sight of the Secret Service for 22 minutes before he was found. This happened in January of this year.

After the event horizon, Dr. Jill insisted that the president be walked by collar and leash through the White House.


A careful political commentator, Sandy Pallbear, wondered aloud in her Sunday column, Political Munchausen, “Could we not hold the President’s hand, First Lady, instead of using a collar?”

The question is apt.

But Team Biden has an apt answer: the president’s tendency to bolt causes grievous concern.

“He’ll get away from you if you let him,” said Dr. Jill. “I understand the sentiment, holding his hand. But he bolts and he’s awfully strong and he can run very quickly and the only way to keep him under wraps is through the collar. You just can’t hold his hand tightly enough to keep him in check.”

Each evening, late, the Secret Service places the POTUS collar on the neck of the president.

Initially the collar was a simple black leather collar with gold studs and a nice gold buckle.

But after a couple weeks Dr. Jill noticed that the collar was chaffing. The baby powder was no longer working.

So she did what any concerned aging wife would do: she searched for a Facebook support group.

And lo, after careful searching, hunt and peck style, she alighted upon the following piece of wisdom from “Guy Frankenfurter”:

To answer your question, my wife got to the bolting phase. We did the collar trick. It worked okay for awhile. But she took off so fast that it was yanking her neck all to hell. Chafing and the works. That’s when I upgraded her to this.

And what an epiphany this was!

Guy Frankenfurter had opened Dr. Jill’s eyes to the wonders of the Roma Vegan Leather Faux Fur-Lined BDSM Collar.

A beautiful collar. National Riposte receives no payments for display of merchandise.

The collar worked wonders.

Sturdy, comfortable—not only did it stop the chafing, but the added height of the collar compared to the shorter standard collar Joe had been sporting gave more support to his neck.

The whiplash that resulted from the sudden bolts and the inevitable yank from the taut leash would now be a thing of presidential history.

“I just want my husband to go walking at night and not have to worry that there would be an all hands on deck search and rescue party every three seconds because he keeps bolting,” said Dr. Jill.

The bolting of Joseph R. Biden has been a great trial to all involved.

We are nevertheless thankful that Dr. Jill Biden has resolved that matter using her vast wisdom and knowledge of human psychology to prevent harm from befalling the POTUS.

“Joe’s always been kinky,” said Dr. Jill. “So that’s good. My big fear is that one day he’s going to be talking to Xi Jinping or another important world luminary and just, zoom, he takes off. It’s a problem. Short of tying him to the chair or not showing him in public, nobody is quite sure what to do. That would be too kinky.”

Well, Dr. Jill, rest assured that this nation is “quite sure” that it is in desperate need of a great leader, like Joe Biden.

According to a recent poll from the Buford-Schuck Research Institute, just 8% of Americans would fire Joe Biden right now, if they could, and 71% feel that Mr. Biden’s leadership is “inspired, though insipid.”

Without Mr. Biden’s heroic efforts, our young fledgling nation would have been ground to powder through the wild capitalistic schemes of tyrants such as Donald J. Trump.

Studies show that under Trump’s iron fist the entire nation would by now be ramrodded and pillaged in a six by eight Georgia prison cell.

The nation is with you, standing by, Mrs. First Lady, to do everything possible to help the President in his time of need, our patriotic duty. Godspeed, Mr. President, and God Bless.


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