What Beto Is Licking These Days: A Message From Beto O’Rourke

* A message from Beto O'Rourke. The Texas kinda-wunderkind dishes on what he's been up to lately - and why it's Donald J. Trump's fault.
message from Beto O'Rourke
RE: Message from Beto

Hi, I’m Beto O’Rourke, a beta male who previously ran for Congress and Governor of the Lone Star State.

After a disastrous run for Governor of Texas, I disappeared. You haven’t heard from me for awhile.

So I thought I’d apprise you on the latest happenings in my life, and offer a few interesting tidbits along the way.


I call this talk, What I’m Licking These Days. I hope it encourages you to do and be your best always. It goes like this:

I’m licking a lot of things these days.

I feel a sort of kinship with licking, having been licked myself.

I lick popsicles, ice cream cones, shoes, doorknobs, candy bars, forks (up to the point of the tines, please), car windows, extension cords, pictures of the State Capitol of Texas, my fingernails, bath towels that might have already been used, handrails, screwdrivers, bicycle handlebars, cork boards, and my wife.

Do you know why I’m doing this? That was the question I was asking myself awhile ago when the licking habit started.

I sought psychiatric help. Here’s what I was told: somewhere along the corridors of political time Donald J. Trump has sabotaged me. Just knowing that he exists drives me up the wall. It makes me want to…well, lick.

My psychiatrist says it’s a DONALD-AVERSE reaction. Says she sees see a lot of these cases lately, especially among Democrats. What can I say? We’re a Donald-averse people.

Draining the swamp…that really makes me lick. My psychiatrist showed me a handful of pictures of swampland. Immediately I started licking my palm.


I wonder if I’ll get flushed when Donald drains the swamp. Keeps me up nights. I didn’t know that this was a problem for me. I thought that staying up at night thinking about Donald Trump was something normal for democrats. But it’s not.

“DONALD-AVERSE REACTIVITY,” she says, “is the new diagnosis that will open the gateway for plenty of reparations. Donald owes us all. His presence, demeanor, and behavior have traumatized us all. I’m surprised any of us are still alive, to be honest.”

“The best thing for you,” she says, “is to imagine a Donald-free world.”

So I imagine. At least I try to imagine. Or I try to imagine imagining.

The problem is, I don’t have much of an imagination. I never have. Ask anybody who knows me. That’s one reason I got into politics.

I go with the ebb and flow of whatever I see in front of me. I always have.

My kind of politics doesn’t imagine what could be. I sort of say whatever I think is best at the moment. You remember that one candidate in the Richard Gere movie Power? That’s me. Sort of. Just say what’s on your mind. Tell people what you feel and think. That’s all people are interested in.

I’ve been told it isn’t a winning strategy. Well, neither was JFK getting shot in Dallas. But he ended up on our currency. So it makes you wonder.

Anyway, I don’t look too far into things. That kind of thinking can get a politician into trouble. Power proves that.




Which brings me back to licking. Why, exactly, do I lick?

Because Donald J. Trump trauma. Period.

The licking, says my psychiatrist, is an outlet. Because I can’t handle the fact that Trump isn’t behind bars, and continues running for office, and continues to molest our nation, I lick.

Furthermore, my psychiatrist says that this means that I am a victim of Trump. He owes me. He also owes me big time. He owes me for all the pain and suffering associated with this outlet–including my use of my imagination.

The use of my imagination has caused me severe migraine headaches. I’d feel a lot better about things if I got a $2.73 million payout from Mr. Trump. My lawyer says that that’s a fair settlement. It would ease my pain and suffering quite a bit, I think. It would cure my migraines, says my psychiatrist, and cause my licking to dissipate.

My psychiatrist likens the licking to a reversion to animalistic behaviors. In my case, I am reverting to the dog-with-fleas. In other words, Donald J. Trump has turned me into a dog, because he feels that I am less than human.

Don’t tell my psychiatrist–but sometimes I like licking stuff. So does my wife. She says it’s really enhanced our marital experience, whatever that means.

Maybe licking isn’t all that bad. Like my wife says, “Some men were born to lick.”

But I still want my money, Donald.

PS—It cost me over ten grand and quite a few sessions with my psychiatrist to come to that realization. Which means that this information should be worth about ten grand to you. After taxes and inflation, of course, it will be worth about 68 cents. Still, that’s 68 cents that, prior to my divulging of this information, you didn’t have.


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